Why "Letting Go of Expectation" is a False Light Concept Destined to Ruin Your Life [ + Other Rational Musings ]

Why

If you've ever been around the "spiritual" or New Age communities, then you're going to feel me on this blog post. The entire concept of being free [ zip, zilch, zero ] of expectations is a recipe for disaster that runs the risk of leaving you boundary-less, burned out, gaslit and scooped up into a whirlwind of toxicity cloaked as "conscious."

An expectation is a belief that something will or should happen at some point in the future. Expectations, if arrived at via practical and measurable means, are one of the most effective ways to evolve with another person, establish trust and cultivate vulnerability.

So, why has the New Age / Spiritual-ish community tried so hard to do-away with them? This can be viewed just like the "which came first the chicken or the egg" scenario. Did the concept of non-duality and non-judgement birth a banishment of expectation or do expectations inherently put the concept of non-duality and non-judgement at risk? Simply put, trying to remove the language and desire of expectation is intended to let people "be who they are" free of judgment. Here's the MASSIVE, glaring, obvious problem - it also creates the space for people to stop the process of forming secure attachments to the things they want to create or experience in their life. What a New Age person might tell you is born of non-judgement, comes from something deeper - a childhood wound of not wanting to get let down or rejected. 

Removing expectation entirely, rather than reevaluating the what [ how we measure and define the expectation ] and why [ examine our true motive and intention before we decide the expectation is worthy], creates a space in which people can easily convince themselves of some level of spiritual righteousness. Think the language "I've risen above expectation" or "It is wrong of me to expect anything of another when they have free will."  This dismissal of something that simply needs to evaluated, redefined and properly communicated is now simply protecting their inner child and creating cycles of toxicity at every turn. 

 

So, What Can You Do About Redefining Expectation?

Often, we face three issues with our expectations:

1) we don't know how to effectively communicate or articulate them to the other person in a way that can be acted upon

2) we don't know how to check our motives to make sure the expectation is truly in the best interest of growth and productivity [ rather than fear + control ]

3) we don't create measurable + realistic expectations [ we create intangible, ever-evolving, dynamically shifting ones so we can always fail or be failed by another ]

 

 

 

At Break Method, we are all about reverse engineering problems or symptoms to determine a rewiring course of action. How does the problem manifest in physical reality and how can we rewire the inputs to generate a new output?

Here's an example: 

The Story of Undefined + Unspoken Expectations of Person A

Here are the deets of Person A:

Person A always feels misunderstood, let down and unimportant by their loved ones.

Person A spends a significant amount of time replaying the past and ruminating on how people constantly overlook [her / him / they] and let's this fuel and justify their future actions.

Person A tends to go into conversations expecting to be ignored or dismissed and in turn shows up to them quiet, indecisive and has trouble getting the point across. 

To Rewire. Person A has to address the following:

What is Person A expecting from loved ones? Is it words of validation or praise? Is it praise with a specific tone of voice or body language? Is it simply not being talked over or ignored? Is it to have their ideas taken action on?  [ this must be honestly observed and noted internally for each interaction. If we aren't honest with ourselves about what we want it to look like or feel like then we can't decide if that's a reasonable or worthy application of expectation ]

What is the motive of Person A's expectation? Is it to make [her / him / they] feel good enough, worthy, smart, or pretty? Is it for a person who has always behaved one way to magically surprise [her / him / they] and react completely out of character? Are these expectations realistic and motivated by productivity? [ this step must be introspective before the expectation is set - why do I want this? Is the person on the other end capable of this? Is the achievement of this expectation in the best interest of our relationship or relationship growth? Is there a stepping stone expectation I can align with and properly articulate to help our relationship grow in the right direction? ]

Is Person A's expectation clearly defined and measurable? The goal is to be able to get clear on what the expectation looks like so let's say that Person A decides it's simply "to express [her / him / they] opinion without being talked over or interrupted." Then we can inquire if that expectation seems reasonable to the other party involved. So, we ask ourselves, does this person tend to interrupt? If the answer is yes and we are committed to seeing our expectation through, we now have new information that needs to be involved in the "clear articulation of expectation" category. That means Person A will need to make direct eye contact and say something to the effect of "I'd really like to share my thoughts on this completely before you respond, ok?" [ that's a crystal clear request ] This way the expectation is obvious to the other person, clearly defined and if followed through on, helps Person A bolster their voice, boundaries and ability to commit and follow through.

If not approaching the interaction in this way [ i.e. defaulting to old patterned behaviors ], Person A would be likely to:

a) not clearly define their expectation so they could feel wronged or ignored no matter how the interaction went

b) they'd likely enter the conversation already assuming how it would end thus affecting their body language and voice tone

c) create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which they speak quietly or in an unconfident manner quickly triggering the other person to talk over them.

 

Using the example of Person A, would they be able to grow and evolve productively by simply dismissing any idea of expectation? Would removing expectation entirely ever help them cultivate the intentional scenarios to help them grow, rewire and evolve their behavior? 

I'll help you. NO.

Dismissing expectation, rather than redefining or evaluating the expression, keeps you either trapped in the same chaotic cycle you've always been in [ for Person A the self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling rejected and ignored ] or allowing situations to often get worse while you steadily diminish your boundaries and trick yourself into believing you're "growing spiritually." 

 

Expectations work with and support boundaries, accountability and personal growth.  

 The work exists in learning how to question your motives and be honest about why you want something to turn out a certain way or engage with you in a specific manner. When we can be honest about our motivation, clearly define the expectation in relation to the growth or evolution we wish to curate, we can then properly communicate this to the person or people that are currently operating in the dark [ while we internally resent them for letting us down] . When we don't learn how to own our expectations and properly communicate them, we set the people up around us to let us down, reject us, not show up and prove our worst fears true. The key to exponential relationship growth is to properly execute this cycle allowing us to cultivate trust, vulnerability and help people grow with us as we grow. 

 _____________________________

 

Want to know more about how to evaluate your expectations and motives in relationship communicatIon? Want to dig deeper in the expression of your attachment style? The Winter Semester of The School of Sustainable Self-Mastery is OPEN for enrollment and starts on 1/15. Click HERE to lock in your spot to completely rewire your emotional response system + relationship communication.

Want to start your structured self-inquiry journey TODAY? Start with The Self-Study, a 30 day workbook journey to jumpstart your emotional repatterning experience. This workbook is an affordable and streamlined way to start applying Break Method tools to your life. Don't miss out on the opportunity to ensure your 2021 is not a repeat of your 2020. 

 

 


3 comments


  • ShawnDap

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    歷史
    六七千年前的先民就開始釣魚。周文王曾和兒子們在靈沼釣魚取樂。戰國時范蠡也愛釣魚,常把所釣之魚供給越王勾踐食用。 二十世紀八十年代,中國大陸的各級釣魚協會成立,釣魚地點也從自然水域向養殖水域過度,所釣之魚則從粗養向細養過度。人數增多、水體污染及濫捕濫撈導致釣魚難度上升。釣魚協會開始與漁民和農民簽訂文件,使更多釣者能夠在養殖水域釣魚,達到了雙贏的目的。 二十世紀九十年代初,來自台灣的懸釣法走紅大陸,各地開始建造標準釣池。 二十世紀末,發達國家的釣者提倡回顧自然,引發新一輪野釣戰,而中國的釣者則更青睞精養魚池。1

    工具

    一种钓鱼竿机械部分示意图
    最基本的钓具包括:鱼竿、鱼线、鱼钩、沉坨(又名沉子)、浮标(又名鱼漂)、鱼饵。2:1其他辅助钓具包括:失手绳、钓箱、线轮、抄网、鱼篓、渔具盒、钓鱼服、钓鱼鞋等。2:1

    钓竿一般由玻璃纖維或碳纖維轻而有力的竿状物质製成,钓竿和鱼饵用丝线联接。一般的鱼饵可以是蚯蚓、米饭、蝦子、菜叶、苍蝇、蛆等,现代有专门制作好(多数由自己配置的半成品)的粉製鱼饵出售。鱼饵挂在鱼鉤上,不同的對象鱼有不同的釣組配置。在周围水面撒一些誘餌通常会有較好的集魚效果。

    钓具
    鱼竿
    主条目:鱼竿
    钓鱼的鱼竿按照材质包括:传统竹竿、玻璃纤维竿、碳素竿,按照钓法包括:手竿、矶竿、海竿(又名甩竿),按照所钓鱼类包括:溪流小继竿、日鲫竿(又名河内竿)、鲤竿、矶中小物竿。2:6-8

    鱼钩
    主条目:鱼钩
    鱼钩就是垂钓用的钩,主要分为:有倒钩、无倒钩、毛钩。2:14

    鱼线
    主条目:鱼线
    鱼线就是垂钓时绑接鱼竿和鱼钩的线,历史上曾使用蚕丝(远古日本)、发丝(江户时期日本)、马尾(西欧)、二枚贝(地中海)、蛛网丝(夏威夷)、琼麻(东南亚)、尼龙钓线(美国)。2:25

    鱼漂
    主条目:鱼漂
    鱼漂又名浮标,垂钓时栓在鱼线上的能漂浮的东西,主要用于搜集水底情报,查看鱼汛,观察鱼饵存留状态,以及水底水流起伏变化。2:36

    鱼饵
    主条目:鱼饵
    鱼饵分为诱饵和钓饵,是一种用来吸引鱼群和垂钓时使用的物品,钓饵分为荤饵、素饵、拟饵、拉饵。2:170

    沉子
    主条目:沉子
    沉子又名沉坨、铅锤,是一种调节鱼漂的工具。2:45

    卷线器
    主条目:卷线器
    卷线器主要安装在海竿和矶竿上的一种卷线的工具。2:63

    连结具
    主条目:连结具
    连结具是连结鱼线与钓竿、母线与子线的一种连结物,使用最广泛的是连结环。2:55

    识鱼
    鱼类的视力不如人类,距离、宽度均无法和人类的视力比较,鱼类对水色、绿色比较敏感,鱼类的嗅觉非常灵敏,鱼类的听觉也非常灵敏,钓鲤鱼时,不能在岸上大声谈笑、走动不停,鱼类的思考能力非常弱,鱼类应对周边环境随着气象、水温、水色、潮流、流速、水量的变化而变化,于是便出现了在同一个池塘、水库、湖泊,往日钓鱼收获大,今日少,上午收获大,下午少,晴天大,雨天少等情况。2:114-117淡水钓鱼,中国大陆经常垂钓的鱼类对象是本地鲫鱼、日本鲫、非洲鲫、鲤鱼、游鱼、罗非鱼、黄刺鱼(黄鸭叫)、黄尾、鳊鱼、青鱼、草鱼、鲢鱼、鳙鱼,台湾经常垂钓的鱼类对象是本地鲫鱼、日本鲫、吴郭鱼(罗非鱼)、溪哥仔和红猫(粗首马口鱲)、斗鱼、罗汉鱼、苦花、三角姑(河鮠)、竹蒿头(密鱼)。2:117

    影响鱼类的6大因素主要是:季节变更、气温高低、水的涨落、风的大小、水的清浊、天气阴晴


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