Jennifer F, RG
Jennifer F, 34, raised in Portland
Siblings: 1 brother 1 sister both older - all a year apart
Religion: yes - christian - mostly comforting only conflicting parts things she wanted to do but couldn’t bc of it
Cultural / ethnic: Mom is filipino -big distinction between girls and boys - freedom vs responsiiltiy gender roles
Academics: high expectations not a lot of involvement or support
Physical discipline: just mom and sometimes spanking sometimes wooden spoon or broom - disciplined bc of cleaning or behavior “cleaning it right”
Rx: no - longest rx 8 ½ years not married - both people wanted different things
Kids: marie - biological - her dad and her split at 2 - he’s still in her life - does child support and has a job but has been abusive in past - marie feels she has a good rx with him - he has at times been abusive to her verbally and physically
Reason: she knows the history with her mom impacts her - mom was discipline abusive - she didn’t know how to handle Marie and felt she was becoming something she didn’t want - she kept running away and then it started to be longer and risky, when she came back said she was raped and was doing a lot of weed, she started running away at 10 but probably brewing at age 8 in attention seeking type behaviors - 1st or 2nd grade picture she drew of people having sex - possiby peer molestation
Self-sabotage: procrastination and avoidance
Mom being angry without warning about behvaviors and cleaning / dad being gone at work all the time
Attentive to non verbal cues paid attention to tone of voice in the room, people pleasing, indecisive bc considering all factors, not good enough thoughts
Quickly react to solve problem, hide or retreat or avoid, cry eventually yell win approval -
Fear - Anxiety - Frustration
Abandoned → Hold it all together
⅙ 5 and 4
Alicia T, TSSM
Alicia T, 59, raised in Indianapolis
Parents were married
Siblings: 2 sis and 2 brothers - she was the oldest - caregiver → pride
Religion: not intense until age 10 - dad was Jewish and mom was a born again christian at 9 or 10 and did a big deep dive as a family, conflicting
Academics: academics more important than sports, expectation without the support, she had moments where she didn’t care that much when she liked it she did well when she didn’t care she didin’t do well
She did field hockey and basketball, when she was younger lots of friends until mom became a christian, they weren’t allowed to go out and do things - not as social as she would liked
She remembers even getting spanked / rod story even into HS and possibly on a visit from college
She wouldnt have ever spoken out to parents or talked back
Rx: Married - 28 years - good bad ugly
Kids: 4 children - ages 26, 25, 23 and 18
Career: right before covid she was working in marketing, during covid she did a deep dive in functional nutrition, having trouble getting started, her youngest just went to college
Mom always busy dad away in army oldest of 5 she was always alone odd man out,she had own room, no special attention, felt lonely, cried a lot
Was moms helper got praise for that liked feeling needed too emotional, clingy too much
Spent time with friends until she had to come home felt like freedom voicing opinions or opinion got shamed did what she wanted easy to sneak bc no one was watching
EAC: Fear Anxiety Frustration
SB: Abadoned → Hold it all together
Timeline Dx: ⅕ 6 and 4
Timeline +/ -
Larry F, RG
Larry F, 58, raised in CDA
Parents: yes and no - she got divorced a few weeks after his birth, mom worked a ton and on welfare, married step dad when he was 6 - he called him Dad it was all he knew, there was a separation that grew over time, he was closer with mom
Siblings: when he was 14 his mom had his little brother - didn’t have to caretake
Religion: not really - mom taught catholic twist on lord’s prayer - he was praying to a god he didn’t even know and then he chose christ middle school - he went through marine corps thinking christians were crazy, pastor ken hutcherson - walk is strong now
Regarding death of daughter it took 3 years for major grief to pass and 5 years to try to be normal - adopted lauren 3 years after the death
Substance: he doesn’t think so but his step dad was a heavy drinker
Physical: he was often completely alone always by himself even in kindergarten, mom said go cut a switch, she whipped him badly - he felt his mom was weak but step dad, he created terror, he broke his spirit he used belt and he’d have welts all over his body, any comment to his mom that was disrespectful to him or mom, he also got punched in the nose too, the terror wasn’t just step dad but the terror all around from getting beat by bullies - he felt he had a target on his back, he always felt on patrol but was also adventurous with mountain biking etc, often he wasn’t sure why he was getting in trouble - he knows now most of the discipline was driven by emotions
He committed suicide when he met Michelle
Academics: they wanted him to get good grades - they didn’t push him toward college - he repeated 2nd grade
Sexual abuse: no
Rx: married - 22 years - intense, tumultuous, anxiety
Kids: 1 bio son from first marriage, step daughter from first marriage, lauren (17) jacob (20) and juby in heaven
Career: mailman he’s never liked it but he’s good at it and it’s stable, nothing else ever pans out for other things he tries
Reason: he wants to be free of working for somebody else - he feels like he has a trauma brain and want to disengage and be inconsistent, wants the willpower to do things → part of his cycle
SB Pattern: Abandoned → control to be safe
Timeline Dx: ¼ 6 and 5
EAC: Fear - anger - anxiety
Fear: quiet, observational, assume things will escalate / get out of control, strategic thinking, use the past to inform how he’s seeing the situation, ruminate, read between the lines, controlling, disruptive, hyperaware of small changes, take action if he’s familiar with, set people up / manipulate them into the truth, replay past failures, ask questions, isolate, research, internalize
Anger: withdraw, assign blame, not trust of authority, pick arguments, bring up the past, fixate on injustice, push people away, aggressive boundary, withdraw love, take things personally, hold grudges, call people out if necessary, control, avoid, isolate
Anxiety: people please, strategic thinking, weaponize the truth but usually hold back, judmental, fix it mentality, push feelings down / facade, self-blame, adaptable, enabling people,work harder, save people, assume ill intent
Ron L, RGCall 1:
Ron L, 60, buffalo NY
Parents: married until dad passed when he was
Siblings - both younger parents hardest on him bc he was the oldest, he felt the younger were gone too easy on
Religion: on and off catholic - now he sees catholicism as BS - conflicting / confusion and all shame based
Several turning points with god - mid 90s and a very real realizationthat he didn’t have the rx he wanted with god
Academics: expectation of try your best, he felt he had something to prove and shooting for As
Always tried to do well in sports - downhill skiing in college - never good at team sports / did more cerebral things
Substance: no but family at large yes
Sexual: no but bullyign in school a lot bc he was the quiet sensistive kid 2nd and 7th,
Mom humiliated him - around age 7 around a girl incident and it was , he had a teacher that told his parents that he’d never amount to anything - he was not a favorite of anyone. He was quiet
Physical: slapped by mom for mouthing off
Sleep: coping with fear of going to school the next year - regarding bullying and how to get away from people - dad told him to fight back
Rx: No - pretty lonely - he was starting one a few years ago bc she had to care for her mother - single and searching. Life is overloaded.
Kids: 2 daughters Eliz 22 [ lives in tuscaloosa ] and Suzanne [ back and forth between mom and dad is 19] - both of them were traumatized by marriage.
Daughter was suicidal, homicidal, severe depression - covid crushed her senior year and she couldn’t handle school on zoom
Reason: he wants to show up differently and not be so bothered, healing and future vision for intimate partnership
EAC: Fear - Anxiety - Frustration
SB: Abandoned → Hold it all together *** changed 10/18
Timeline Dx: ⅙ 5 and 4
Fear red: ask questions, use the past to inform strategy, quiet or internalized, weaponize truth from past, read between the lines, look for what’s not being said, read body language and intonation, replay, fixate on what part of what’s said rather than hear the whole, torture self with replaying what was said or what wasn’t said, avoid or evade to then focus on something else to seem or feel productive, list of things that need attention / require his work - pick lists, replay childhood scenarios of criticism triggered by things like spilling something *** we need to fix this voice
Fear Green: use ELI q to let situation unfold with self-trust, if asking a question → balance with green cone language, use ELI q to stop the past from informing strategy to not create repetitive loop / treat every situation as if it’s brand new, stay engaged and talking → pair with ELI q to stop replaying or strategizing thoughts, check motive for sharing truth → what is the productive intent? How is this being used?, take people at their actual words and push through discomfort of wanting to clarify or observe, use ELI to stop trying to read body language and stay focused on incremental productive actions, try to work from summary of interaction rather than allow self to fixate on one aspect → ELI q will help pull you out of this, check motive for why you’re choosing the action that you are → is this trying to look productive or is it the actual thing that requires your attention right now? Use ELI q to stop replaying childhood scenarios that fuel self-critique or bad memories of mother relationship
If I stop using the past to inform my strategy I allow situations to unfold in a new way that may surprise me and create more pattern opposition.
Anxiety Red: research, acting on previously learned experience, talk things through - get on same page, overdoing things for people and not letting them struggle, smooth things over or figure out what needs to be said or done to keep things going for the greater good, make excuses for or justify things so he can take responsibility or do it
Anxiety Green: check motive for researching → pair with ELI q to see if you’re trying to solve for something that either hasn’t yet happened, may never happen or you currently already have the info you need to proceed, use ELI q to get out of letting past inform response → shift into selecting a response that builds a new end result in line with your goals, find the balance between needing to talk things through and generating self-trust that you can move forward without reviewing the details → allow unfolding, counter the desire to smooth things over or say what needs to said with an ELI q that gets to the quick & kind truth or most important detail without buffering or adapting, when you catch yourself justifying or excusing → pair with ELI q to ensure this isn’t resulting in adding to your plate, dropping a boundary or overlooking some important want / need.
If I stop trying to smooth things over or fixing things for other people, I give them to runway to learn how to build these skills for themselves or process their own emotional experience without me buffering it.
Frustration Red: replay angry thoughts or scenarios in head, assign blame, replay feeling of injustice or inefficiency, think of scenarios that remind him of loneliness and separation, think about how people can be stuck in their world and not necessarily making him a priority
Frustration Green: use ELI q to stop replaying thoughts → may need to pair with physical pattern disrupt, take RPR when you catch yourself assigning blame → consider where you created or allowed the pattern to begin, use ELI q to stop replaying injustice or inefficiency → diffuse this with RPR, physical pattern disrupt for replaying loneliness / separation
If I take Radical Personal Responsibility instead of lean into assignment of blame, I learn to see the role I play in the pattern and calm my brain down by pointing out where the cycle starts.
Ron M, RGCall 1: Call 2:
Ron M, 54, midvale UT
Parents: married whole childhood
Religion: significant Mormonism - conflicting bc of some of the identity stuff - he fairly recently left Mormonism - Jesus walk is moving him forward
Siblings: 6 he was 6 of 7 - mix of genders - he was in the 3 little ones - FOMO
Academics: laissez faire in both but also went on to play college athletics - c’s weren’t a big deal - so he became self-motivated to succeed - there was just too much going on and older sibling who was ill - 13 years his senior full time since 16 schizophrenia
Substance abuse: no
Sexual abuse: no
Physical discipline: very light but on older brothers most significant - mostly spanking but rare
Sleep: documentary about mormons being killed he always hyper vigilance around sleep
Rx: yes - married 4 years - first wife passed 6 years ago suddenly - connected joyful safe / previous marriage: committed, panful and hopeless
Kids: he has 4 of his own - 27,23,20 and 17 Rhiannon - her adopted mom passed - she was living with another family and they adopted she was in foster care 2 to 4 - she would get locked into things and she had been physical back then. Things were better until age 6 to 10 adopted Mom became abusive and was suffering,
Career: executive coach and he has an ecosystem that he loves in leadership in college - professor of practice so he works across the organization - he’s in Spokane but he drives to Pullman
Reason: when the student is ready the teacher appears
Ss: take on too much so he can put an asterisk on it
Fear - Anxiety - Frustration
Abandoned → Hold it all together
⅙ 5 and 3
1+ *** though he can embrace spontaneity especially with God
Fear: hyperawareness, hyperfocused, fix it mentality, swear, catastrophize, control to avoid, observant, assuming people are going to mess up or not follow trough, read between the lines, ask direct questions or set up, fast talking
Fear green: use ELI q to check motive for hyperawareness → am I more likely to read into the situation if I’m in this state? Can I physically diffuse this feeling and take another look or check someone else’s perspective for a beat? Switch “fix it” mentality to slowing down strategically and seeing if you’re trying to fix things that aren’t yet broken → do you potentially create more drama or chaos in the quick or impulsive fix? Take people at their actual words or ask direct / green cone clarifying questions from a genuine heart space, speak clearly and use communication football, use ELI q to not let past inform currently perspective or solution
Anxiety: situational awareness, strategic thinking, expecting all things to go wrong but prepared already for all, overcompensate, waste scarce resources to resolve without being logical, soothe with sweets, research, think of band aid, people please, chameleon, cause and effect thinking, push own needs down / minimize self-care, withdraw of love, repeat, enable people, save people, work hard
Anxiety green: find balance between preparedness & panic → are the actions I’m running through in my head making me appear stressed out or upset to someone else? Am I becoming self-fulfilling prophecy with my body language or voice tone? Am I trying to solve problems that aren’t mine to solve or trying to solve them in a way that creates more mess down the road? Check motive for researching → pair with ELI q to cue into current objective need or situation rather than what might be built up in your head, focus on longterm solutions even if you find the thought process annoying or inefficient in the moment → this short term “solutions” are putting you in FUTURE DEBT, say things in a direct and honest way → balance with empathy but do not kick into people pleasing or shifting who you are, stay engaged and loving especially when you want to go cold or “productive,” stop saving people and support them from the outside to do their work → even if that means AFTER they’ve blown up, help them build skills rather than enable
Frustration: self-blame, allow self-sabotage, overwhelm, thinking of work piled up , talk mean to self like “fat fuck,” internalize if exhausted, withdraw, give up, allow himself to do nothing or reset
Frustration greens: take RPR for the situation and how you contributed but pair with lessons learned to not repeat the next time, combat chaotic prioritization *** more on this in a future lecture it definitely is what happens to you, focus on 1-3 small productive tasks that can be done immediately that affect the current situation or prepare you for the next time, meet negative self-talk with RPR and refocus brain on what skills you’re building to combat, find time for a beat of healthy self-care / rest rather than shutdown → be intentional with the amount of time or structure so it feels “productive” *** this hack works
Adrianne M, TSSM
Adrianne M, 35, santa rosa Cali
Siblings: 4 others she’s the youngest and she has a twin - she’s a girl they weren’t close - when they were 10 it went down hill, she was connecting with older sister and her mom more
She was not close with either parents - butted heads with mom and dad was distant and sweet
Religion: yes - mormon - she left mormonism at 21. Comforting and then as she got older confusing. Now she goes to christian church every now and again. She believes in God and she doesn’t want to believe in hell.
Academics: always supportive but they never pushed, they were always giving them positive affirmation but they never showed up bc they were working. She said she remembers her mom never being around but mom says she was
Physical: mom spanked them every now and again.
Suicidal: when she was 16 or 17 she thoought about it a bit but it wasn’t very action oriented
Rx: yes - live together been together 6 years - plans to get married but they argue all the time - him enabling his ex wife and always a doing work and it makes him irritated
Kids: they have 95% custody and she’s in a maternal role - she didn’t want them and now she does but she wouldn’t want to if not with him
Career: personal trainer and she can’t picture doing anything else but she is bored
Reason: she’s not sure about her rx is she the common denominator or can she fix it.
She’s friends w Rachel B
No one cared bc she had lots of chores mom awlasy gone or ignored
Closed off acted tough, untrusting, reserved
Cold heartless, temperamental never asked for help did everything solo
EAC: Fear - Anger - Anxiety
SB: Abandoned → control to be safe
Timeline Dx: 1/5 4 and 6
Lisalee S, TSSM
Lisa, 61, NYC bronx
Moderate Eastern Europe
Raised Jewish - they focused on being more religious - she originally started going to public school but at 2nd grade moved to Jewish private school.
It changed at Bar Mitzvah [ she’s trans ] - at 15 no beliefs - Judaism felt random and irrational
Identified as trans about 7 or 8. She didn’t understand it - cross dressing in mom’s closet - around 10 or 11 caught dressing
Siblings: brother and sister - not really raised same
Parents: married - both parents deceased. Dad: cold / almost non-existent - didn’t feel he wanted a 3rd child, Mom = warmer but confused / she didn’t want a boy - she wanted a girl - by 10 or 11 she knew that was the fact - mom didn’t notice
Parents approach academics or sports: he had to be perfect - been Lisa since 2007 that’s when finished transitioning started around 2005
Sexual abuse or inappropriate; n
Mom seemed to have an alcohol issue
Friendships - made friends easily
Sports - didn’t play sports
Outlets - build models and played with model trains, bicycle
Rx: been with her spouse since 1997 - 25 years. Spouse is female - in the beginning there was some confusion but then they adjusted.
Kids: no children and it’s her 2nd marriage
Career: been a truck driver for many years - she was in the military
Joined Navy for 6 years - joined at 26 and active duty back then and then she was national guard - good way to get out of first marriage
She hated the military
She didn’t want to be married and not to that person - enfatuation and poor choices
Reason: she’s tired of the behaviors that she exhibits - tired of repeating / acting and reacting
Self-sabotage: quit and run - get frustrated and want to quit
Cousin died, didn’t find out for month, everyone always arguing, keep it to yourself, not rock the boat, instead of diffuse she reacts - masturbating, cross dressing
EAC: Fear → Anxiety → Anger
SB: Abandoned → Hold It All Together
Timeline Dx: ⅕ 4 and 6
Call 1 was done over the phone
Gene S, TSSM
Gene S. 54, born in FL,vegas, philly + others before settling in NJ in at age 12 ** mom trying to get away from abusive father
Parents were married until about 6 years - dad didn’t stay in the picture after that
Siblings: older half brother, 2 younger brothers [ jimmy is the one who passed ] - mom’s boyfriend was living w them and he was even more abusive. For about 3 years - he was most abusive to youngest brothers. The incident happened in NJ - he was 8 when it happened he was 5. Younger brother was beaten internally and people were out looking for him and finally he was found hiding in a laundry room and later that night he died.
He held it together. He didn’t cry at the funeral. Tried to caretake mom. He acted out when he wasn’t around - he’d beat the shit out of them. Boyfriend went to jail. They were all taken away from mom. They all went into foster care for 9 months and then let them go back to mom.
He didn’t trust his mom and that carried into teen years.
Eventually she married another guy who was great - and he treats him like he is her father and talk of adoption so he took his last name. He’s a very passive kind gentle guy. Still trust issues though.
No assistance or guidance with academics or sports
Substance abuse: no
Rx: remarried - 2 ½ years - married before for 17 years together 25. Ended bc of no love or trust. Current rx: caring, supportive, objective
Kids: 2 teenage boys - he’s still working on those relationships - luca 17 and ezekiel 15
Career: he’s a construction / remodeling / project manager for last 20 years. He’s recently retired. His wife and he remodeled and sold their last property and he doesn’t do that anymore. Physically he feels broken in a number of ways. Now he is a full time fine artist.
Reason: to break this cycle. He needs to stop exploding on people and creating this mess over and over again and soothing with holding it all together.
Abandoned → control to be safe
⅙+ 4- and 5+
Fear → Anger → Guilt
Red Fear: quiet, internal, look for evidence, read between the lines, project out future outcomes, analyzing, taking note of similar architecture of past event
Green Fear: use ELI to shift into staying vocal and engaged with people around you instead of withdrawing into your head / your own reality, use ELI q to get to motive behind looking for evidence and stay grounded in what is ACTUALLY happening [ not projection or assumption ], using ELI q to stop thinking of past architecture to inform or justify current thinking
Red Anger: scream, yell, curse, take some action to separate or push away the person or desired outcome, assign blame, use the past or what went wrong as leverage or punishment, separate from the situation to be alone, seek out opportunities to disengage, freeing self / escaping / storming
Green Anger: use ELI q to establish what yelling / lashing out ACTUALLY does —> shitting on the white shag rug, take RPR for body language + voice tone and what that experience is like for othrs, use ELI to establish why you’re pushing someone away or escalating to be able to leave or escape, take RPR instead of assign blame, use ELI q to stop allowing past to fuel your anger or be used against the person you’re engaging with [ no weaponzing truth ], use ELI q to stop from distraction or escape, use ELI q to check the snowball effect → does the action I’m about to take create a mess or drama I’m going to have to clean up later?
Red Guilt: replaying the situation to self-punish or feel regret, feel powerless to self, when feeling guilty he goes to disconnect / apathy, he used to seek out prostitution / bars / alcohol [I’m a shitty person so let’s be REALLY shitty ], watch porn, avoid wife or close / important interactions
Green Guilt: use ELI q to stop replaying to self-punish or simmer in regret → shift to one small productive step to oppose, take RPR for situation instead of replay powerlessness, use ELI q to stop from disconnecting or avoiding / watching porn, use ELi to press into relaitonship with wife instead of push away → get to motive behind pushing away
Henry S, TSSM
Henry S, 43, raised 90 min outside of boston [ suburb / industrial + woods ]
Parents: divorced at 5, not step parents in the house, dad had a long term partner when he was 13 and mom had custody. He saw dad on weekends but no sleepovers.
Siblings: oldest of 3 and all 3 ½ yrs apart. He was a lightning rod for criticism from everyone and he didn’t feel he had equal treatment. His siblings would instigate fights but he’d get in trouble. His mom was bipolar and he saw her as unreliable and he stopped listening to her and was rebelious. Around age 4.
Academics / sports: nothing for sports, for academics she expected straight As and he did everything on his own, he pushed himself and he did very well academically, a little verbal praise for it. They grew up poor.
Religion: mom was devout catholic and they prayed every day in Polish. Mom was born in Poland. Both parents were immigrants. Dad was assimilated Mom was not. He believed in it and he did a lot of questions in mid-teens and fully transitioned to not believing in late teens. Now he believes their is a source and we are connected to each other.
Substance abuse: his dad was an alcoholic until 5 then he got sober.
Sexual abuse: yes - he doesn’t remember them - through hypnosis and connection through intuition - 3-5 he had an uncle that lived three houses away and his son who was 8 years. He’s been pretty shut down for a long time. He doesn’t dream. He can’t visualize. He did a few ceremonies one with mushrooms and a month ago he did see visuals. His brain is so scared of things he doesn’t understand. Friday night - nothing at all and then he had visuals come through.
Rx; just broke up with girlfriend - this isn’t the relationship for him - he felt overwhelmed - they had been together for 6 months and that is about the time period it usually ends. Usually it’s bc they don’t have his best interest at heart - longest relationships over 4 years and they did live together.
Kids: yes he does have the desire recently
Career: he works in heating and cooling and he’s an office worker doing finance and sales and admin. He does like his job but it’s not his passion. Passion is to be discovered and to know self. Feeling safe is difficult for him. Between 5 and 8 he didn’t feel safe anywhere. She was old school polish and she had family and he was getting disciplined and criticism.
He was ridiculed a lot at school for presentation. At school he was the loser. That changed bc he was gifted at sports in 5th and 6th grade. His mom was a loner so she didn’t encourage him to have social relationships.
Physical discipline: spanking and then a revolving cast of Polish characters that suffocated him to a dangerous extent, spanking with belt.
Reason: wants to learn how to feel secure in relationships - feel safe. Attachment patterns - wanting acceptance not receiving. Attachment to getting everything he’s ever tried to do DONE so he could make himself feel like a failure. Reading books made him feel successful.
Self-sabotage: whatever he decides to do his brain always wants to change it up - squirrel mentality
*** the chakra imbalance piece hit him hard - he was raped at an early age —>
*** when he gets triggered he says “ we can move on from that”
Parents emotions scared him, decided he was the problem and he escaped into reading, he rebelled at age 5 he wouldn’t listen he fought / he lashed out [ at home ] - in school tried to stay under the radar / people please → He never feels like he pursues anything he waits to be pursued. OCD type behaviors
Fear → Anxiety → Anger * Frustration
Rejection → Control to Receive Love + Be Safe
⅙ 4 and 5
Underactive / Overactive to Track
Fear Red cones: read between the lines, try to figure things out, assume the worst, assume it’s personal, analyze, replay conversation or situation to analyze, imagine a different outcome, not allow things to unfold without deciding how they will end or what needs to be done, want others to take care of him, deciding he wants to quit before it even unfolds, catastrophize,
Fear Green Cones: use ELI q to take people at face value and not assume anything beyond their actual words, use ELI q to prevent strategizing or trying to solve a problem that likely doesn’t exist yet, take RPR for pattern / cycle and remind with ELI that it isn’t personal, use ELI or pattern interrupt technique to stop relaying the scenario or imagining a different outcome [need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and staying in surrender about what’s actually happening], use ELI q to allow unfolding, take RPR for communication around wanting others to care for you / asses the motivation of the need [ communication football ], when you feel like you want to quit → use ELI q to re-establish 3 practical small steps to move into pattern opposition, use ELI q to stop catastrophizing
Anxiety Red Cones: distract with screen time / checkout, fixate on the problem or situation, dwell, replay potential outcomes, restate limiting beliefs, do lower priority items, avoid goals / commitment, explain or defensive, wanting to be heard, seek validation
Anxiety Green Cones: use ELI q to stop distraction technique → establish what the distraction is actually setting in motion, use ELI to stop fixation and check in with RPR to see if you’re trying to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed, use ELI q to disprove limiting belief or reaffirm how to oppose the pattern to build new belief, use ELI q to establish whether you’re brain is chaotically prioritizing info → re-establish 3 simple steps to take action, take RPR for goals / incremental goals and use ELI q to double down on follow through, take RPR for defensive reflex and count to 3 and oppose the pattern, check motive for validation seeking and take RPR
Anger / Frustration Red Cones: call to action against perpetrator, assign blame, make someone else responsible, dissolve relationship, internally disconnect, separation feeling
Anger / Frustration Green Cones: Take RPR for chaotic unfolding of event or situation and question motives about assigning blame [ i.e. is this to make myself feel better or justified rather than it actually being productive?], take RPR for situation at large and remind self of the cycle at large and remember WHERE you are, use ELI q to check motive about dissolving relationship → question whether action tempted to take is perpetuating pattern or disrupting it?, use ELI q to stay engaged in the situation, use ELI q to disprove feeling of separation or difference
*taking things personally
* how does he break out of people-pleasing
Scarcity of time → makes it not let him relax
Interacting With Co-workers *** he had a lot of resistance here ***: Green cones / their negativity affects him / it will color his thought process.
Green cones for boss and talking about other people / and then he’s prob speaking that way about me when I’m not around. [ he said he’s most similar to mom ]
Feeling confused, unclear, apathy, he’s been overwhelmed for a large portion of his life, disengaged
Fixate on ambivalence / thought bubbles
A: I won’t be seen or received the way I want or be made to feel unloveable or not enough.
C: I have to manage the relationship to either isolate myself, show up my best or not get my hopes up.
B: check in to get responses, look for validation, assume hurt, try to figure out how to be loved, assume others feel a certain way about me
A: I have to alter myself or how I’m showing up with people to have the best chance of not getting in trouble or rejected.
C: I have to determine the best course of action to avoid unwanted hurt, rejection or pain.
B: follow up quickly or multiple times, seek validation, try to change what people do or say, endlessly discuss the topic, isolate or withdraw
A: I’m going to get in trouble or something is going to go wrong.
C: I have to figure out what’s going to go wrong or how to fix it.
B: going into head, analyze, be serious, deep in thought, concrete, project out what if scenarios, catastrophize, ask questions / interrogate but to see what’s not be said or is missing
A: If I have a strategy or defense ready I can keep myself safe.
C: I have to be prepared to manipulate or win over to get through this safely and without getting in trouble.
B: Think of past to inform current approach, ruminate, circular thinking, make jokes, manipulate, nervous, say what people want to hear, perfectionist, micromanage, overload plate
A: It doesn’t matter what I do, I end up feeling powerless and stuck in repetition.
C: Things won’t work out for me and I’ll end up alone, unloved and unsupported.
Anger B: think of things from the past that can’t fixed or changed to make him feel powerless or trapped, push people away, cut them out, aggressive body language, setting hard boundaries, beat a dead horse, don’t accept
Frustration B: go into head, beat self up, feel powerless, distract with food and alcohol and self-pleasure, podcasts, feel like shit
Jen S, TSSM
Jen s, 34 texas
Siblings: older sister - not close as kids ( 3 1/2yrs gap)
No pressure on academics or sports
Scared to be alone always ran to sisters room
Parents both drugs and alcohol ( dad mostly drugs - weed /speed)
Rx: no - 13yrs (engaged - ended was a toxic for yrs - 2019)
Kids: no - maybe wants them
Career: chef - love her new job
Reason: she needs to better and different and she kept seeing it and knew it was for her.
Self-sabotage: she starts things and doesn’t finish / chaotic prioritization/ lack of structure
Addiction: struggled w eating disorder most of her life - oscillate between restrictive and binging
Goal: she would like to complete it and do it well. Having pride about the work she’s completed.
Parents worked a ton, always on vacation, always with different people, dad cared more about mom then kids, parents used ignoring as punishment, didn’t understand right and wrong, “if mom aint happy no one is happy”
Closed off, stopped sharing, life felt like game i didn’t get the rules to, observe, keep to herself, felt like an inconvenience, fear of sleeping alone like she would be left
Received praise for being easy going, live and let live, manifested sickness to get attention from mom, sought approval elsewhere
FEAR ** embarrassment → ANXIETY → FRUSTRATION
Rejection → control to receive love + safety
⅙ 5 sometimes 4
Fear → dissect things she said or did, replay what just transpired, convince herself she said or did something stupid, operates in negative assumptions, make up conversations of things she wished she’d said
Fear → not allow the replay of past or recent experience using ELI q and physical pattern disrupt, use ELI q’s to poke holes in faulty assumption, use ELI to not allow made up conversations, only respond to whats happening in the physical environment, controlled surrender to let things unfold
ANXIETY → past memories, future ways she might look or sound stupid, fake conversations about the future, compensate for how you wish you’d done it,
FRUSTRATION → replay entire story line to confirm or cosign story of powerless ness, make excuses to disconnect or run away, replay past scenarios to make self feel like doesn’t fit in
A = I don’t belong and won’t ever be understood and seen the way I want
C = I have to alter my expectation and accept I’ll probably be let down or rejected
B = in head, overthinking, replaying past or future scenarios so I can figure out a better way to fit in, resigned, defeated, assuming the worst, not presence, distracted with “doing” - chaotic prioritization, anything but what’s actually important or directly tied to action on the situation, weak boundaries [ articulating and holding ] , use sense of humor to make people laugh, people please, caretaking, gift giving,
Control to Receive Love + be safe
A = If I don’t stand up for myself and assert my boundaries or wants then unfairly alone.
C = I have to give people ultimatums or hard boundaries if they are going to do things the way i want them done
B = manipulate a story or situation, assign blame, assert opinion or feeling of injustice, advocate for self in a messy way, control how she’s seen or appears, over the top hardworker, toxic bonding, codependently engaging with people or ideas
Assumption: Something is going to go wrong and it won’t be in my favor.
Conclusion: I have to prepare for things to go wrong so I’m not caught off guard.
Behavior: Quiet, in my head overthinking and strategizing, Resting Bitch Face, Replay past scenarios, project future what ifs, catastrophize
Assumption: I need to be prepared for what could or might happen.
Conclusion: If I go into the situation and just start doing, it’ll turn out ok.
Behaviors: Chameleon, cling to a point person in social settings, poor communication, onset agitation when things don't play out in the real world as they do in my head, future what if's an assumptions (this will go on forever), toxic bonding, seeking validation for DOING stuff / making effortt
Assumption: No one hears me, no one sees me, no one recognizes me as a person, no one cares, I am on my own as usual No matter what I do it never goes the way i want.
Conclusion: I’m better off not trying or getting my hopes up.
Behaviors: Irritable, short fused/short temper, passive aggressive, speak needs in non-conclusive way, clean things in an angry way to let my audience know that I am pissed**, ultimatums to manipulate someone into showing up for me on a tight timeline within my control**
Origin Red Cones: Get lost in thought, do not communicate, find ways to justify/corroborate my irrational thoughts, procrastinate tasks, circle/mill around instead of accomplishing things, over consume stimulants to push into anxiety energy, replay what transpired in previous events, assume people think negatively about me, assume I don't fit in or belong, fixate on incomplete tasks.
Origin GREEN: Use ELI q to stop imagination or distraction, speak up in a concise / summarized way as soon as possible, ask ELI to catch justification, use ELI q to assess current approach or strategy, use ELI q to cue productive action ASAP, use ELI to stop selection of stimulant, use ELI to stop replay of past to justify current thinking, inquire to get people's actual words rather than assume, use ELI to take RPR for current social situation or assumption, use ELI to take action rather than feel helpless
If I communicate what's on my mind when it's relevant, then I have a chance to get on the same page with the other person and avoid a fight.
If I stay on task and do not procrastinate, I will accomplish more which will allow me to develop confidence in my abilities and avoid overwhelm.
Protective Red Cones: Prolonged procrastination, improperly prioritize tasks, replay scenarios, get lost in thought, do not communicate needs or wants, look for confirmation from others that my actions are acceptable, trauma loop & trauma bond, run late to group events or late to get to commitments, project into the future with made up scenarios and conversations, self-medicate with alcohol
Protective GREEN: Pattern interruption/use ELI to begin productive task ASAP, use ELI to prioritize tasks, use ELI to stop imagination and focus on present, use ELI to check in with myself and speak up for my needs, pattern interruption/use ELI to redirect to productive task rather than trauma bond, use ELI to stay on productive schedule to set boundaries around commitments/avoid triggering self, use ELI to stay present
If I stop allowing myself to get distracted with thoughts or imagination, I’ll be able to stay on task and complete more.
If I show up to events on time and sober, I will be present and not reacting to past or future assumptions.
If I speak my needs, I won’t be able to trick myself into believing I don’t matter.
F*ck it Red Cones: Replay old scenarios and have fake fights in my head or out loud, tell myself that I am a prisoner and not in control of my environment, take on tasks I am not prepared to complete, improperly prioritize needs & schedule, retreat into myself, disconnect or cancel plans to prevent rejection
F*ck it GREEN cones: Pattern interruption/ use ELI to stop circling, speak up in concise/summarized ways as soon as possible, follow through on plans, check with ELI q on to do list or schedule to ensure not chaotic, stay engaged with people or situation instead of retreat, take RPR anytime you feel like assigning blame and use that to frame next communication